top ten lies of editors
top ten lies of producers / directors
|It only shifts in preview||
|It's simple. it should only take you an hour or so.|
|It's out of safe. you won't see it on air.||
|I only need a few dubs...|
|It won't really look like that.||
|Budget? oh don't worry about that.|
|I'll fill out the paperwork tomorrow.||
|Feel free to be creative with this.|
|I really don't mind working on sunday.||
|I'll be there no later than...|
|oh no... don't go by THAT monitor!||
|The client will love it. they won't make any changes.|
|It works better as a cut.||
|I'm positive i got that shot on THIS tape...|
|It's on the source tape like that.||
|Never had a problem anywhere else i've edited.|
|I'll be home soon...||
|Could you preview that just one more time?|
|I think it looks just fine.||
|Oh... just paintbox it out...|
|To schmooze||befriend scum||Agent||frustrated lawyer|
|To pitch||grovel shamelessly||Lawyer||frustrated producer|
|To brainstorm||feign preparedness||Producer||frustrated writer|
|To research||procrastinate indefinitely||Writer||frustrated director|
|To network||spread misinformation||Director||frustrated actor|
|To collaborate||argue incessantly||Actor||frustrated human|
|To freelance||collect unemployment|
|High-concept||low brow||Net||apparently it doesn't exist|
|Production values1||gore||Gross||Bill Gates income|
|Production values2||explosions||Back End||think you'll ever see any?|
|Entry level||pays nothing||Residuals||braces for the kids|
|Network-approved||has made them money||Deferral||don't hold your breath|
|Highly qualified||knows the producer||Points||see Net or Back End|
Why did the Chicken Cross the road?
|KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get
to the other side.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
|PLATO: For the greater good.
RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of aggression and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
|ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.|
SOME GOOD ONE LINERS FOR WORK:
I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just dont give a fuck.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Ahhh... I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again..........
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I'll have my people fuck your people.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!
I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
SOME GOOD ONE LINERS WHILE OUT SOCIALLY:
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
How about never? Is never good for you?
You're validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.